If you've been reading this blog since its beginning or if you know me personally, you probably know that I'm very big on reading. I like to share the titles I've finished on my personal Facebook page since I have many reader-friends. Some of these friends frequently comment, "I don't know how you can read so much with three children."
Ultimately, the reason I read so much is because it's what I enjoy.
I'm going to share something that seems very unconventional, but hear me out.
In relationships, throughout your life, you must learn how to put yourself first.
Was that a little difficult to read? Rub you the wrong way? Well, bear with me.
If you aren't happy with yourself or in your own life, how can you be happy with the people around you?
I spent some time thinking about this concept after finishing the book, "Screamfree Parenting." One point the author, a licensed family and marriage therapist, makes is that parents frequently allow their children to consume their lives. That can be extrapolated to apply to friendships or even marriage. Therapist and author Hal Edward Runkle says it this way: "The greatest thing you can do for your kids is learn to focus on yourself . . . By focusing on yourself, you will have a healthier, happier relationship with your whole family."
I've seen it said another way as well. When you're on an airplane and the flight attendant is reciting the often ignored safety details, they always say to ensure you put on your own mask before helping anyone else around you. Even your children. Because you can't do anything for anyone else if you aren't first doing something for yourself.
Some individuals spend hours of their day completely consumed by other people, and they often don't get time to themselves. This sounds selfish, but when considering it further, you may see that it isn't selfish. By taking some time for yourself, to focus on activities you love, you can then put a better self forward.
In response to this perspective, I've seen some people say, "well, you shouldn't have gotten married then" or "I guess you shouldn't have had children." Yet I'm still trying to understand why some believe we must completely give up our individual spirit simply because we have relationships.
I don't mean to say that you should do your own thing all day long and leave your children hanging out in front of a TV or on a tablet. Or to shove your husband off the couch or tune him out when you're in the middle of something. Or to ignore your friends' messages.
For the record, please, don't do those things.
But say you wake before your kids, get a cup of coffee in a silent home, maybe page through a magazine. You are taking time for yourself. Maybe you'd rather end your day focusing on you with a warm bath, music, and a book. Maybe you prefer using your children's nap time to watch your favorite show and eat the junk food your kids can't have.
For me, I wake anywhere between 5:30 and 7 a.m. I'm a stay-at-home/work-from-home mom, so I don't have to race off to work every day. During those early hours before my kids are up, I get showered and ready for the day, drink my coffee while reading a book or writing, and enjoy the quiet. It helps me recharge and really rise for the day.
I literally put myself first, first thing in the morning.
Despite the early mornings, I find I'm more alert and ready to break up the scuffles between my kids, race them around the house, tackle them in the backyard, read every book they want, or build the tallest towers, the coolest forts, and exciting Little People villages.
As a wife, I'm able to set my own things aside after the kids go to bed, so that my husband and I can have uninterrupted time together, be it having a drink while we chat about the day, a little fire on the patio, watching a movie, or playing a board game.
As a friend, it means I'm more willing to go out of the house. As someone who is definitely more introverted, spending days outside the house with groups of people tires me. I almost need a sort of recovery time afterward to reset myself. If I'm able to do my own thing each day, I'm more open to being more social.
And if I miss that time?
I feel like I'm not as good of a mom. I feel like an unsupportive spouse and friend. By being "selfish," I'm able to be my best self for everyone else in my life. I'm not as tired, as cranky, or craving anything that isn't reading "Elmer" for the 15th time that day.
I love my children, my husband, and my friends. I still pay attention to their needs and tend to them as necessary.
But, I recognize when I'm losing the "me" that I want to cultivate and ensure I tend to myself first.
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